More than anything, I want to be creative. Not great casserole recipe, scrap-book, or baby-making creative. Those things are too practical, too useful. Nope, I want to make art for art's sake and get lost in the creative process. I want to look at something I've created and feel accomplished. I want to be recognized publicly (and not posthumously) by other creative experts for having exhibited some measurable level of creative genius.
The problem is I'm just OK. I'm an OK singer, an OK writer, an OK designer. I have no real outstanding gifts. I'm just generally decent at a few things. I know enough to recognize real creativity when I see it and I can't fool myself, I don't have the 'it'.
I do, on the other hand, have a lot of the stereotypical temperaments of a creative person. I'm impassioned, unorganized, emotional, impetuous, and messy. Shouldn't these flaws come with some consolation prize? Shouldn't I be able to look at my health-code-violation of a bedroom and at least have the solace of some attained creative super-achievement?
I've seen "Grey Gardens." I know there is a danger in the unrealizable dream. I'm afraid of ending up like the Beales. An old woman living in squalor, wearing panty-hose over my shorts and sporting a jaunty skirt-cape, spending my days feeding bread to the raccoons in my attic and manically rehearsing my dramatic routines.
Take away the estate in East Hampton and the lost millions; the Beales are a lot like me. More than anything they wanted to be creative. And they were OK at it too.
CC
2 comments:
Oh how I have missed you and your fun! I feel the same way a lot of times. I feel like I'm not really good at anything. Not the things that I do every day like mothering or cleaning or cooking. Not my former job. I'm not even really good at being. Myself.
Don't get me wrong, I am pretty content and am told that I do a good job, but it's never good enough. I guess we just keep trying until someone recognizes our true awesomeness.
PS-email me at shantastik@gmail.com. I miss you and want to get together and know how the heck you are/have been!
Shannon! So good to hear from you. Are you still swimming? Erica and planning to get back in the water....Wednesday, definitely Weddsnesday.
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